


Fixation

by AndthereIwas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Being selfish, M/M, Possessive Hinata, Precious boys not realizing what's going on, So much angst it's worth mentioning twice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 03:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3275540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndthereIwas/pseuds/AndthereIwas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata can’t stand Kageyama.</p>
<p>He can’t stand Kageyama’s stupid grumpy face, he can’t stand his stupid hair, and most of all he can’t stand how stupidly good Kageyama is at volleyball.  </p>
<p>Alternatively, where Hinata spends a lot of time being frustrated and confused about his conflicting emotions toward Kageyama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fixation

**Author's Note:**

> Hold on to your butts.

Hinata is greedy.

It’s an ugly, childish tendency that he’s never quite shaken. He hates it.

He doesn't remember noticing it until Natsu is born, effectively cutting the time his parents give him in half. He sulks for days, refusing to leave his room or hold Natsu. He remembers his mother sitting him down after a particularly violent temper tantrum, wiping the tears and snot from his face and telling him he’s a big brother now, he needs to learn to share. It’s okay to want things, she says, but you can’t get what you want all the time. That’s just how life is. He pouts at the ground but nods, because so far his mother has always been right about these sorts of things. 

The next day he walks into Natsu’s nursery and asks if he can hold her. He swallows down his anger as best he can, but he’s still frowning when a teeny bundle is placed in his arms. He looks up at his mother, and her beaming smile causes a bit of the anger to melt away. Hinata wants her to be proud of him. He wants to be grown-up too, so he decides then and there, with tiny Natsu wriggling in his arms and his mother smiling down at him, that he will never again allow his selfishness get the better of him. Grown-ups can do it, so he can do it too. 

\--

Hinata can’t stand Kageyama.

He can’t stand Kageyama’s stupid grumpy face, he can’t stand his stupid hair, and most of all he can’t stand how stupidly good Kageyama is at volleyball. Kageyama _knows_ he’s good, too. His presence on the court is intimidating, almost otherworldly, and he looks down at Hinata like the dirt on his boots. He watches Kageyama toss to the older Karasuno player (Tanaka-senpai?) and Hinata feels a familiar angry burn in his chest. Kageyama is a genius. His natural talent is overwhelming, and he commands the court as if he was born to do so. 

Hinata is jealous, and he has to take a couple of deep breaths through his nose before he can concentrate on practicing again. 

He throws himself into it, thinking of nothing but the feeling of the ball against his arms, against his palm, the sound of it hitting the floor. Volleyball is the easiest way for him to push selfish thoughts from his mind. He wipes the sweat from his forehead and catches Kageyama glaring at him. He glares right back, challenging, and Kageyama looks away first. Hinata smirks. He knows he’s not nearly as good as Kageyama yet, but as long as he practices hard enough, he should be able to rub that stupid face into the ground on his way to the top.

For now, though, they need to concentrate on winning the 3-on-3. Volleyball comes first. Beating Kageyama comes second.

And then Kageyama finally, _finally_ tosses to him during the 3-on-3, the smack of the ball against his palm reverberating through his body like a gong. Hinata’s feet hit the floor after the ball and he watches it roll away to the back of the gym, feeling everyone’s gaze on him. Adrenaline courses through his body and he thinks he could probably jump and touch the ceiling right now if he tried. A victorious smile breaks across his face, laughter close behind. He looks up at Kageyama, seeing his own surprise and excitement mirrored in dark blue eyes, and Hinata is _hooked_.

He knows he’s being selfish, but from that moment on he wants all of Kageyama’s tosses to come to him. He shoves the feeling down, though, because that’s not how a team works and he understands that. They work as a unit, everyone sacrificing bits of themselves to come together like cogs in a machine. Kageyama tosses to whoever he thinks has the best chance of scoring. Hinata may be dumb about a lot of things, but he’s not dumb about volleyball. He’s waited so long to have an actual team that he wouldn’t dare to anything to mess it up now. He has it under control.

\--

Hinata wonders if Kageyama has noticed. He’s worked hard and been so good about sharing Kageyama during practice. He’s been so focused on it, though, that he’s started collecting whatever other bits of Kageyama’s life he can get his hands on. He figures it’s fine, because it’s not doing anything to hurt their fledgling team. In fact, Hinata suspects it might even be helping them. He and Kageyama fit together on the court like they were made to be there, Karasuno’s ‘freak-quick’ duo. Plus, Kageyama hasn’t even punched him or mentioned anything yet, so it has to be okay.

Hinata skips outside at lunchtime only a few days after the 3-on-3, humming happily to himself as he tries to decide whether he’s in the mood for orange juice or the new pineapple one that all his classmates have been talking about. He pulls some coins from his pocket and is busy counting them when a flash of dark hair catches his eye. He looks up and spots Kageyama scowling at the vending machine, still holding the button as he waits for his drink to dispense. The machine clunks a few times before Kageyama leans down and pulls out a box, stabbing the straw in the top with a look that would wither grass. Hinata shrinks back and almost turns around until he sees the tiny drawing of a cow on the side of the box. He lets out a giant snort, the idea of Kageyama drinking _milk_ from the adorable little _milk box_ suddenly too much for him to handle, and Kageyama’s head whips up. Any other time the scowl Kageyama shoots him would have sent him running in the opposite direction, but with the little white straw sticking out from between Kageyama’s lips, Hinata has to slap a hand over his mouth to stop a laugh from escaping. If anything, Kageyama’s face grows darker.

“ _What?_ ” Kageyama hisses, biting down on the straw.

“Nothing,” Hinata gasps and tries to salvage the situation, “I just… didn’t know you liked milk?” Kageyama sips for a moment or two, face unchanged, before he replies.

“It’s not that I like it,” he says quietly, “But soda is bad for you, so I get milk,”

“Juice isn’t bad for you either,” Hinata points out, because he isn’t quite sure yet how far he can push Kageyama’s buttons, but now’s a good time as any to learn. Kageyama narrows his eyes, saying nothing, and Hinata considers it a victory. He takes another blind shot while luck is on his side. “Eat lunch with me, Kageyama,”

Kageyama’s lips part, and the little white straw falls out of his mouth.

“What?”

“Come on, I’m gonna try that new pineapple juice! You have try it too,” Hinata said, walking past Kageyama to the vending machine.

“Wha--? Why?” Kageyama splutters, and Hinata feels a tiny thrill at the confusion written in the slant of dark eyebrows.

“Because… why not?” Hinata shrugs, feeding a few coins to the machine and punching the button for pineapple. The vending machine whirs to life and Hinata giggles as he imagines the loud clunks coming not from his drink being dispensed, but from Kageyama’s brain short circuiting as he tries to understand. His juice pops out and he picks it up, sticking the straw in and taking a sip. He swishes it around his mouth thoughtfully and Kageyama watches, milk box still clutched in his hand. “Eh, still not as good as orange juice. Want some?” Hinata holds out the box. Kageyama blinks and finally remembers his milk, lifting it back to his mouth.

“Why would I want your juice, moron?” he grumbles. “Besides, I already have the milk,”

“Suit yourself,” Hinata takes a bigger sip and lets out a belch. Kageyama stares at him like Hinata’s suddenly started doing cartwheels through the courtyard. “Let’s go find somewhere to sit, though. I wanna eat my lunch, I’m _starving_ ,” He starts walking, and has to stop himself from throwing a victory punch when he feels Kageyama walk up beside him.

“You’re so tiny, it’ll be good for you to eat something,” Kageyama says.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Hinata yells, jumping back. Kageyama’s face is schooled into a carefully neutral look.

“Just saying. With how small you are, you know what’d probably be best?” 

“What?” Hinata asks. The edges of Kageyama’s mouth quirk up the tiniest bit and Hinata feels a swell of pride in his chest for making that happen until Kageyama speaks.

“Milk,”

Hinata stops dead in his tracks. Kageyama turns around a moment later, eyes wide and innocent. Hinata struggles to find a comeback, but he’s too distracted because _Kageyama is sassing him_ , is it even possible for him to tell jokes?

“Ass,” Hinata mutters when he can’t think of anything better, and Kageyama takes a sip of his milk. Hinata wants to knock it out of his hands or maybe spray it over his smug face but doesn’t, and when Hinata starts walking again, Kageyama follows.

It only takes one or two more times before Kageyama stops questioning why Hinata bothers him during lunch. 

Hinata knows he should probably stop while he’s ahead, but Kageyama just looks so grumpy and weirdly small when he’s alone. So he continues to poke and prod his way closer to Kageyama, slowly testing boundaries and gathering up moments like seashells, storing them away to gloat over later. Over lunch they trade teasing barbs and discuss their latest practices in detail. Kageyama’s face transforms when he talks about volleyball, stormy frown falling away to be replaced by a simmering enthusiasm that seeps under Hinata’s skin all the way to his toes. 

Hinata talks to Kageyama about anything that pops into his head, never expecting a response from Kageyama. He talks about Natsu and how he’s teaching her to color inside the lines, about his favorite kinds of ice cream, even about his last math quiz that he gave up on halfway through and started drawing volleyballs instead of answers. Kageyama doesn’t ever say much, but Hinata can tell he’s listening because dark blue eyes follow him as he jumps around, adding emphasis to his stories. 

The first time Kageyama mentions something beyond his typical subjects of volleyball or Hinata’s lack of skill at it, Hinata has to fake a coughing fit to cover up his squeak of excitement. It’s something stupid, like how Kageyama accidentally mistook sugar for salt when he made rice the previous night, but Hinata tries to commit the moment to memory anyway, bottling it up and adding it to his collection.

Hinata winds up begging Kageyama’s phone number off of Daichi, claiming he has a question about a class that he needs help with, which isn’t entirely a lie but Kageyama’s usually just as lost as he is so actually asking him for help would be useless. Daichi gives him the number, and sure enough Kageyama has no idea how to answer the half-assed question Hinata texts him, ending his response by demanding to know how Hinata got his number. Hinata laughs, and their text conversation devolves into a contest of who can come up with the most creative insult. Hinata wins when he calls Kageyama a ‘half-stuffed, piss-covered couch cushion’ and Kageyama tries to argue that he doesn’t even own a couch.

Now when Hinata’s phone pings with a message, it’s more likely than not a pointless text from Kageyama. Hinata can’t stop the sense of accomplishment from sweeping through his body because he _knows_ Kageyama doesn’t text anyone else. He complains the keys are too small for his fingers and that he never knows what to say. But he still texts Hinata to remind him to bring his water bottle to practice, with observations about the weather, or if he occasionally sees a dog on his way to school. Hinata saves each and every text message and tells himself that it’s fine, he’s totally fine, he just has them in case he needs to tease Kageyama for something later.

\--

Hinata finally convinces Kageyama to come over, and he wonders if he’s going too far.

He’s over the moon that he’s been able to convince Kageyama to come over, even if it takes an embarrassing amount of whining and bargaining. Hinata accidentally promises Kageyama his next 20 meat buns from Daichi along the way, and there’s no way in hell that would actually happen, but it doesn’t matter. Kageyama is in his house, looking around with wide eyes and Hinata feels a thrill of victory close to the one he gets when he spikes one of Kageyama’s tosses.

Hinata yells that he’s home, kicking his shoes off while Kageyama carefully toes out of his and lines them up perfectly next to the door. He hears his mother answer from the living room followed by Natsu’s excited squeal, and he calls out that he brought a friend over. Kageyama looks halfway between constipated and nauseous, and Hinata kicks him lightly in the shin.

“Calm down, it’s just my mom,” 

“I am calm!” Kageyama shoots back. Hinata shakes his head and before he can say anything his mother is running out into the hallway, Natsu hot on her heels.

“Oh, Shouyou, that’s wonderful!” she says, and Natsu crashes into her leg when she stops suddenly. She leans down and steadies Natsu as she clings to her jeans. “You must be Kageyama! Shouyou has told us _all_ about you,” She turns back to Hinata, “Shouyou, honey, he’s so tall! I mean, I know you told us he was, but so many people are taller than you, sweetie, that sometimes I can’t help but think you’re exaggerating,”

“ _Mom_ , oh my _god_ ,” Hinata smacks his hand into his forehead. He can’t look at Kageyama, who must be dying of laughter at this point. “ _Stop_ ,”

“Is he staying for dinner? You are staying for dinner, aren’t you, Kageyama?” she continues on, ignoring Hinata’s protests and Kageyama’s increased air of awkwardness.

“Uh, well, I…” Kageyama stutters, and looks down at Hinata for help. Hinata peeks at him from between his fingers and shrugs. He just wants to get to his room as fast as possible. “Yes?”

“Perfect!” she claps her hands together, “Now you boys go have fun, don’t let me hold you up,”

“Alright, mom, _bye_ ,” Hinata says, and shoves Kageyama down the hallway. Kageyama looks down at Natsu as they pass, and he looks slightly terrified as she smiles up at him. Hinata snorts and pushes him away until they’re upstairs and safely in Hinata’s room with the door shut. Hinata drops his backpack with a heavy sigh and flops onto his bed. Kageyama slides his backpack off his shoulder and sets it down slowly, wincing as it makes a small _whumpf_ when it hits the ground. He glances around the room and Hinata thinks he looks like a little lost duckling, minus the quacking. The unbidden image of Kageyama quacking around like a duck jumps into his mind and he laughs before he can help it, landing him one of Kageyama’s glares. He’s starting to become immune to them, though, and he smiles.

“It’s not funny,” Kageyama’s practically pouting, and Hinata rolls over onto his stomach.

“Whatever,” Hinata says, and pats the space next to him. “Come on. We said we were gonna study, right? We should try now before my brain is totally fried,” Kageyama stares at the bed with that constipated look again, and Hinata’s not surprised when he sits gingerly on the floor instead, keeping a few feet between them. Hinata thinks Kageyama’s not quite used to the idea of visiting a friend’s house, and he wants to flail around a bit at how precious Kageyama is.

“Your brain is already fried, dumbass,” Kageyama says, and the air loosens a bit as they fall back into their usual banter, Hinata spluttering as Kageyama pulls out his books with a smirk. They try and fail at studying for about an hour, nearly crying from relief when Natsu bursts in with a sheet of sparkly princess stickers, demanding to give them both ‘man-cures’. Hinata chucks his book across his bed happily and extends a hand, chattering away with Natsu while she tells him all about how the different stickers mean he’s officially the princess of the color purple, and soon his fingernails are covered in a thick layer of stickers. She turns to Kageyama and puts a tiny hand on her hip, waiting, as his eyes nearly pop out of his head. He looks to Hinata, who wiggles his glittery fingers in response.

Slowly, Kageyama holds out his hand, and Natsu plops down in front of him, grabbing his hand and pasting stickers to his fingernails. She’s mostly quiet as she works, and when she’s done she stands up and loudly pronounces him the princess of the color blue, like his eyes. Kageyama flushes from the roots of his hair to his chin, and Hinata commits the exact shade of red to memory.

He sees it again, later that night, as Kageyama is leaving. He pulls his shoes on and Hinata stands by the door, ready to open it. Kageyama straightens up and fidgets with his backpack strap for a moment and before Hinata can ask what’s up, Kageyama looks at him and mutters ‘thanks’ with that bright red face. Suddenly Hinata can’t breathe; Kageyama might as well have punched him in the gut, but instead he’s looking at him with that abnormally open face and Hinata is frozen in place, unable to speak. He nods furiously, and Kageyama hunches over in embarrassment as he runs out the door. He yells something back at Hinata about sleeping through practice, and Hinata can only laugh back nervously as he watches Kageyama walk away because all of his words are stuck behind the massive lump in his throat.

\--

It’s after they meet Oikawa Tooru that Hinata realizes he’s made a huge mistake.

Oikawa walks onto the court like the sun, the force of his personality and ability practically blinding. Hinata feels an electric hum in the air as Oikawa takes hold of the volleyball, and it reminds him eerily of Kageyama. Hinata turns back to glance at him and is nearly bowled over.

Kageyama is _burning_. His scowl is the darkest Hinata’s ever seen it, blowing past the full ten on Hinata’s unofficial Kageyama-glare-scale. Kageyama’s hands are balled so tight that Hinata thinks it has to be painful. Out of nowhere, he’s crippled with a sudden and violent wave of anger, watching Kageyama seethe at Oikawa’s well-placed taunts.

Kageyama glows white-hot, and Hinata is _jealous_.

Hinata grapples with the imaginary iron bands suddenly squeezing his chest. Kageyama knows Oikawa’s a genius. Kageyama recognizes Oikawa as someone to overcome on his path to the top. Kageyama is upset because he considers Oikawa a rival, an enemy he must defeat at all costs. And Hinata is furious, because these are things he’s never seen before from Kageyama and _he is not the cause, it’s someone else making Kageyama like this_ , angry and passionate and downright _terrifying_.

Hinata clutches at his shirt and frowns at the ground. He shouldn’t want things like that. It doesn’t make sense, it’s not _right_. But Hinata is greedy, even if he hates himself for it, and he wants to be the one causing Kageyama to lose that carefully maintained control.

Later, Kageyama sits next to him on the bus for the ride back to Karasuno and Hinata can’t look at him. All he sees is the fire behind Kageyama’s eyes and how it’s not for him, it’s for stupid Oikawa. Kageyama huffs out a pleased sigh as he relaxes into the seat, and gives Hinata one of his typical backhanded compliments about his performance. Hinata curls up toward the window, saying nothing, and Kageyama blinks down at him before a frown falls over his face. He crosses his arms angrily, and they ignore each other for the rest of the ride.

Hinata’s still upset when he’s getting ready for bed and hears his phone let out a soft beep. He pouts at it, because there’s only one person who texts him this late, and he’s not sure if he’s ready to hear from Kageyama yet. He picks it up anyway as it beeps a second time, clicking past the notification to the new messages. ‘ _you really did do well today_ ’ the first one reads, followed by a very-Kageyama sounding ‘ _good night dumbass_ ’. Hinata falls down on his bed, pressing the phone to his chest and smiling widely, cursing Kageyama and his dumb face.

\--

Hinata doesn’t think it could get worse, but of course it does.

They’re at Kageyama’s house, which happens more often than Hinata would have guessed, studying. Hinata’s drawing volleyballs over his math notebook again and laughing as Kageyama desperately tries to translate his English homework. Frustrated, Kageyama pulls a book out of his backpack and throws it at Hinata’s head, which he dodges easily. Kageyama drops his head to the table, groaning something about how Hinata should just kill him now and put him out of his misery, but Hinata’s distracted by a square of paper that’s fallen out of the book now halfway across the room. It’s folded neatly in fourths, edges lined up perfectly. Hinata chews on the end of his pen as he contemplates it.

“Kageyama,”

“What?” Kageyama’s reply is muffled by the table.

“What’s that?” Hinata asks, and when Kageyama lifts his head to look, he gestures at the square with the pen. He’s not sure what sort of reaction he’s expecting, but the one he gets is something else entirely.

Kageyama’s face turns bright red, and before Hinata can react he’s out of his chair, grabbing the little paper square and making a dash for the kitchen. Hinata blinks, and springs up after Kageyama without a second thought.

“ _Kageyamaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_ ,” Hinata launches himself at Kageyama’s back, knocking him over and he yelps as they topple to the floor. Hinata scrambles around, trying to grab the paper from Kageyama, who pushes Hinata’s face away with one hand and holds the square in the other.

“What the _hell_ , Hinata?!” Kageyama yells, and Hinata squirms around, attempting to maneuver around Kageyama’s freakishly long arms.

“What is it?! I have to know!”

“No, you don’t!”

“ _Come onnn_ ,” Hinata whines, “I told you about that time I peed my pants in grade school gym class, you can tell me what that stupid paper is!”

“ _No_ ,”

“Yes!”

“No, Hinata!” Kageyama yells. Hinata doesn’t think he’s ever seen him this red, and he backs off a bit before taking one last swipe at the paper.

“No fun, Kageyama,” Hinata says, and he knows he’s playing dirty when he pouts slightly. Lately, Kageyama has a hard time refusing him another meat bun or an invitation to his house when he busts out the pout, and he’s hoping this time will be no different. Kageyama heaves a world-weary sigh, and Hinata almost lets out a whoop in triumph.

“Unbelievable,” Kageyama mutters. “You wanna know that badly?”

“Yes!” Hinata chirps, and Kageyama runs a hand over his burning face.

“It’s… a note,” Kageyama says. Hinata nods eagerly. “From, uh, a girl. You know, asking to meet me. She… um, she…” Kageyama gestures wildly, and Hinata suddenly regrets asking. He wishes he had never seen the note, he wishes he hadn’t used the pout on Kageyama, because there’s a lump of ice forming in the pit of his stomach and he vaguely feels like he may puke.

This. This is something he hasn’t even considered.

Girls like Kageyama. Girls like his stupid hair and stupid face and maybe even how stupidly good he is at volleyball. And one day Kageyama was going to meet a girl and get married and probably have a ton of stupid little babies. Hinata doesn’t know what his face looks like, but Kageyama’s trying to brush it off and say that he never accepts them. Besides, who would have time for that when there’s volleyball to practice? 

The ice in Hinata’s stomach spreads, because Kageyama uses the word ‘them’. Kageyama receives notes from enough girls to make it something that he’s used to.

Hinata finds himself empty. A hole opens up in the center of his chest, and he can’t bring himself to laugh at Kageyama’s horrible English a few minutes later when they go back to studying because he’s imagining Kageyama and some girl with a family far off in the future and it _hurts_. And then his traitorous brain provides him with an image of himself and Kageyama years in the future, sometime after they’ve won the Olympics, of course, and Kageyama coming home dressed up in a suit with a briefcase looking positively ridiculous. Imaginary-Hinata welcomes him with an enormous smile as Kageyama tosses his keys into the bowl by the door where Hinata’s identical set is already resting. 

Hinata stares at the volleyballs drawn in his notebook and he can’t help but want to cry as he realizes this is the one thing he will never, _ever_ , not once in a million years, have of Kageyama’s.

\--

Once it starts, it’s like an avalanche and he can’t stop it as it bowls him over.

Hinata notices himself watching Kageyama’s hands, and he knows it’s weird. They’re just hands, even if they are the hands that toss to him and help him up when he falls and are kind of elegant and strong. He supposes it’s yet another aspect to Kageyama that he’s jealous about. As if it wasn’t enough that he’s tall and an actual volleyball genius, he happens to have perfect hands too. Kageyama gives him a weird look and calls him crazy when he voices the thought, but Hinata’s pretty sure he’s figured out that’s why he keeps staring at Kageyama’s hands.

And then he notices that Kageyama actually touches him a lot. More than anyone else, at least, which causes his chest to puff up proudly. Kageyama grabs his shoulder while he explains a plan or strategy to Hinata. He steers Hinata through the hallways at school when he gets too distracted while telling a story to pay attention to where he’s going. Sometimes, when he connects a truly impressive spike, Kageyama ruffles a hand through his hair while yelling in triumph. On one memorable occasion, Kageyama goes for a high five, and Hinata flinches, expecting Kageyama to smack him over the head, only for Kageyama to thread the hand gently through his hair and call him an idiot in the softest voice Hinata’s ever heard from him.

It comes to a head one day as they’re eating lunch together on the roof. Hinata’s already sitting, digging eagerly into his bento and Kageyama braces himself with a hand on Hinata’s shoulder as he sits down. Hinata stops, chopsticks halfway to his face and he feels his heart start to pound as Kageyama lets go and leans against the wall behind them. He blinks as he’s hit in the face with the realization that he wants that hand to stay. He wants Kageyama’s hand to slip around his shoulder and press their sides together. He wants Kageyama’s long fingers to brush and play with his hair like that one memorable time and Hinata suddenly blushes with enough force to start a campfire. His mind changes gears wildly and he’s picturing that imaginary life where Kageyama wears a suit and carries a briefcase. They sit together on _their_ couch in _their_ apartment and Kageyama sits so much closer than he ever does now. Imaginary-Kageyama threads his fingers through his hair and imaginary-Hinata sighs, a breathy thing that he’s sure he’s never made in his life. Imaginary-Kageyama laughs quietly, the sound sending sparks shooting straight down past his stomach, and he pulls Hinata’s head back, dragging his tongue down Hinata’s throat, and—

Hinata jumps up and back into the present, dropping his chopsticks and squeaking ‘bathroom’ as he runs away, leaving a bewildered Kageyama behind with his half-eaten bento.

Hinata shuts himself in a stall and drops his head into his hands. He takes a deep breath in an attempt to slow his raging pulse, and he closes his eyes. Half-formed images of Kageyama’s hands float through his head and he shakes it furiously. He has to change something, and do it fast. Hinata knows he’s greedy, and if he isn’t careful he’s going to scare Kageyama away with these… _crazy_ thoughts. That’s the last thing he wants. 

He stands up as tall as he can, squares his shoulders, and pushes down the greedy thoughts. It’s nothing he hasn’t done before. He tucks them away, deep in his toes, and tries to remember what he wanted from Kageyama in the first place. His talent? His tosses? Hinata isn’t sure. He’s lost sight of that somewhere along the way, too busy hoarding parts of Kageyama’s life to remember.

At practice, Hinata tries to put some physical distance between himself and Kageyama. Their timing is off, Hinata notices, and when Kageyama comes over to confront him about it, Hinata moves away from the hand that reaches out for his shoulder. Hinata winces at the surprised look that spreads across Kageyama’s face, and apologizes quietly for being out of sync. Kageyama regards him silently and with every moment Hinata feels his guilt grow. Before Hinata can move away, Kageyama’s hand shoots out and tangles itself in Hinata’s hair, ruffling harder than usual. Hinata jumps away, covering the sudden blush on his face with a yell, leaving Kageyama and most of the team blinking after him in confusion as he runs up to Noya and begs for help with receives. Hinata ignores them and focuses on practice. He’s not a kid. He can handle himself.

\--

The days pass slowly, and Hinata has to admit to himself that he’s losing his grip on the situation. He’s tired, he’s irritated, and he can’t remember what he’s trying to accomplish.

It isn’t long before everything explodes in his face. 

The team is sitting around the gym after a late practice, chatting amicably and drinking water as they put the net away and clean up after themselves. Hinata feels the burn of a good workout in his limbs and he concentrates on how drained he feels rather than the glare Kageyama’s shooting him. He glances up as he sees Tanaka elbow Noya in the side, who nods, and with matching grins they walk up to Kageyama.

“So,” Noya says, and Tanaka leans on his shoulder, smile turning devious. Kageyama glares at them. Noya doesn’t flinch a bit. “Have a good day, Kageyama?”

“It was a day,” Kageyama says, unimpressed. Tanaka leans forward.

“Nothing… special? Out of the ordinary? Maybe even exciting?” he says, and Noya nods along. Kageyama narrows his eyes and looks between them.

“…No,”

“Aw, come _on_ , Kageyama,” Noya rolls his eyes, “Cut the crap. We totally saw you,” Kageyama stares down his nose at Noya like he’s looking at an extra-disgusting insect.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” 

“The girl, Kageyama! _The girl!_ ” Tanaka hangs off Noya as he nearly yells it across the gym. The change in Kageyama’s face is instantaneous, and he suddenly looks like wants to vomit. Tanaka continues when Kageyama doesn’t respond. “We saw you walking off between classes and practice, so Noya and I here followed you to make sure you weren’t in trouble or anything,”

“Imagine our surprise when we turned the corner and found you, not with a group of thugs demanding your lunch money, but with a girl! And a cute one at that,” Noya says.

“She looked so nervous, I felt a little bad for her. What did she say?” Tanaka asks.

“More importantly, what did _you_ say? Did you accept?” Noya jumps in. They look at Kageyama eagerly, whose eyes are so wide they look like they may pop out of his head, and Hinata decides he’s heard enough. The nasty anger is bubbling up in his throat, and he’s dangerously close to saying something stupid. He jogs over to his bag and tosses his water bottle in haphazardly, not bothering to head to the locker room and change. It’s nice enough outside, and the cool air feels good on his overheated skin as he slips outside and heads toward the bike racks.

Hinata hates it. He hates Kageyama. He hates how his tosses are perfect, he hates that girls like him, and he hates that Kageyama has turned Hinata into a selfish mess. He takes a deep breath of night air as he starts to unlock his bike, the only one left in the racks this late at night.

“Where the hell are you going?” Kageyama speaks out of nowhwere, and Hinata nearly jumps out of his skin.

“What the fuck, Kageyama?” Hinata wheezes, “You’re gonna give me a heart attack!” Kageyama’s chest is heaving a bit, like he ran out to where Hinata has just freed his bike.

“I said,” Kageyama repeats, “where are you going?” 

“Home?” Hinata pulls his bike from the rack. “I have homework to do,”

“You hate homework,” Kageyama states.

“Whatever,” Hinata grumbles and starts to wheel his bike toward the gate. He’s stopped when Kageyama’s hand shoots out and grabs his arm.

“What is wrong with you?” he asks, eyes searching Hinata’s face, and Hinata kind of wants to cry, because it’s not _fair_.

“Nothing. There is nothing wrong with me,” he replies, trying to pull his arm from Kageyama’s grip. “Let go,” Kageyama’s hand tightens.

“I know… I’m not the best at this,” Kageyama says quietly and Hinata stops. “People, I mean,” Kageyama’s eyes meet Hinata and he’s stuck where he stands. “But I think— at least I thought, until these past few days— that I know _you_ , Hinata. _So tell me what the hell is wrong_ ,”

Hinata stares up at Kageyama, mouth hanging open. Kageyama’s face is open and concerned his first thought is to store those faces in his Kageyama collection, followed by a surge of seething anger that bursts up and past his tongue before he can stop it.

“There’s nothing wrong with me! What’s wrong with you?! Leave me alone!” Hinata starts to panic, and wrenches his arm from Kageyama’s grip. “I’m _FINE!_ I’ve got it under control!”

“Under control? What are you talking about?” Kageyama reaches for Hinata, who jumps back.

“ _Nothing! Leave me alone!_ ” he yells. Kageyama’s eyes darken and he grabs Hinata’s shoulders between both of his hands, smashing his forehead together with Hinata’s painfully while Hinata’s bicycle clatters to the ground.

“ _NO!_ ” Kageyama yells back. “NOW TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG, YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD!”

“ _Why?_ ” Hinata brings his hands up and shoves at Kageyama’s chest halfheartedly. Tears sting the corners of his eyes. “What does it matter to you?” Kageyama is silent for a moment, and Hinata looks up at him, blinking furiously.

“We’re a team,” Kageyama grinds out, “And I don’t just mean Karasuno. You and I… I thought…” his voice trails off and he looks so small that Hinata’s heart hurts and he feels the tears escape his eyes.

“I’m greedy,” Hinata looks down at the ground, because he can’t look at Kageyama while he admits this, not when Kageyama essentially just admitted to Hinata being his best friend.

“As if I couldn’t tell, with the amount of tosses you demand,” Kageyama says, “That’s it? That’s what’s been bothering you?” Hinata squeezes his eyes shut.

“It’s not just the tosses, Kageyama. I’m greedy about everything,” Hinata feels his face burn in shame and he’s acutely aware of Kageyama’s hands still resting on his shoulders. “I’m disgusting. Childish. It’s stupid, but I can’t stop it, and I _hate it_. I want so many things that I shouldn’t,”

“Like… what?” Kageyama’s voice is hesitant. Hinata’s throat closes up and he shakes his head. “Come on, idiot, I’m not letting you leave until you get it all out,” Hinata lets out a choked laugh, because it’s so _Kageyama_.

“You’re gonna hate me,”

“At this point, with all the shit you’ve put me through, I seriously doubt that,”

“You’re gonna think I’m stupid,”

“Already do,” Kageyama tries to lighten the air, and falls silent as Hinata doesn’t laugh. The atmosphere hangs down on them, almost suffocating. “Hinata, seriously. What’s wrong,” he demands. Hinata braces himself.

“I… I want to be the only one you toss to,” Hinata squeezes out, the words cracking in his throat. “I want to look at you,” His voice gets stronger, and the words pour out, “I want to look at you _all the time_. I know it’s selfish and impossible and _stupid_. I _know_. I want to make you furious. But also I want to make you happy, because you have this stupid little almost-smile and I want to be the cause of it! I want you to see _only me!_ I want to text you and I want your hands in my hair and I want to touch you too and I want it _so much_ ,” 

His voice breaks on the last word and Kageyama’s hands fall from his shoulders. Hinata can’t do it, he can’t hear whatever Kageyama’s going to try to say to him, so he picks up his bicycle from the ground and jumps on, pedaling as fast as he can away from where Kageyama’s frozen in place. The night air whips past his face, and Hinata thinks he might be screaming, but he can’t hear anything over the wind in his ears anymore, not even his own thoughts.

\--

Hinata gets home and slams the door to his room, pacing from one end to the other. His thoughts are one giant jumble and he can’t make sense of anything anymore. He’s angry that Kageyama made him talk. He’s embarrassed, because Kageyama _knows_. He knows that Hinata’s greedy. He’s disappointed that he let his selfishness get the better of him. But also, most importantly, he feels guilty for leaving Kageyama behind without a better explanation, and he’s furious that he still feels guilty after Kageyama was the one who made him talk in the first place. Hinata kicks his bed and howls in pain as his big toe accidentally collides with the frame.

Hinata entirely overwhelmed Kageyama. Hinata knows he’s Kageyama’s first real _best_ friend, Kageyama himself just said so, with that bit about them being a team. Kageyama’s shit with emotions to begin with, how is he supposed to deal with his best friend exploding on him and running away? Hinata falls down on his bed, holding his injured toe as it throbs in pain. He frowns and thinks he probably deserves it.

He lays there for a while, wallowing in his thoughts. He’s too upset to go to sleep, but he’s too tired to do much of anything else. He grimaces as the guilt washes over him in waves, picturing Kageyama’s stunned face over and over.

He hears his phone start to buzz in his backpack, and he looks over at it dispassionately until the buzzing stops. He’s not in the mood to talk to anyone, or even look at his phone for that matter. Kageyama’s face flashes through his mind and he throws an arm over his eyes. His phone buzzes again seconds later, continuing to buzz until Hinata’s ready to chuck it at the wall.

“Fine. Fine!” Hinata whispers at the ceiling and rolls off his bed. He digs the phone from the backpack and feels his stomach bottom out as he unlocks it. 15 missed calls, all from Kageyama.

He feels like he might puke. His phone starts buzzing again in his hand, and Hinata knows Kageyama’s just as stubborn as he is, it’s one of the reasons they work so well together. Kageyama will continue to call until Hinata answers the phone, calling all the way through the night into the morning, refusing to sleep. Hinata knows, because that’s exactly what he would do. He steels himself, and hits the ‘connect’ button.

“What?” Hinata asks. There’s no response for a moment.

“… _Fuck_ ,” Kageyama whispers, “I… wasn’t ready for you to answer,”

“Well I can hang up then, no problems here,” Hinata says.

“ _Wait!_ No!” Kageyama yells, and he breathes heavily into the phone, “Shit, I’m so bad at this. Hinata, I… can you come outside?” Hinata blinks.

“Outside?”

“Yeah, I—OW! _Shit_ , that hurt—I… fuck. I,uh, followed you. To your house. Come outside,”

“What?”

“In retrospect, this is super fucking creepy. It was a better idea in my head, I swear,”

“Why?” Hinata’s heart is pounding again. Kageyama… followed him home?

“Jesus, Hinata. I just… really need to talk to you. Get your ass out here,”

Hinata hangs up without another word and slowly makes his way downstairs. He peeks through the windows next to his front door and watches Kageyama frown at his phone before stuffing it in his pocket and looking around, glaring at anything and everything. He sticks his left pointer finger in his mouth, sucking on an angry red cut. Hinata opens the door slowly, bracing himself for Kageyama’s wrath.

“What?” Hinata asks quietly. Kageyama pulls his finger from his mouth and looks like he’s about to speak, but nothing comes out. Hinata leans against the doorframe. “What do you want, Kageyama? Here to yell at me? Tell me I’m weird?”

“Stop putting words in my mouth, Hinata,” Kageyama snaps.

“Well, it’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?” Hinata says.

“No!”

“Then why are you here?”

“Just give me a moment!” Kageyama hisses. “I’ve told you, I’m horrible at this!” 

“Fine,” Hinata says, and waits. Kageyama mumbles something about not thinking much past the following-Hinata part of his plan, and lets out a sigh.

“Um. It’s… I’m…” Kageyama’s mouth opens and closes as he grasps for the words he wants to say, and Hinata struggles not to smile, because Kageyama kind of looks like a fish, and even though Hinata’s upset it still looks hilarious. “I’m going to mess this up horribly,” And with that, Hinata actually does smile, because it’s so _Kageyama_. Hinata takes a breath in through his nose and lets it out, trying to let out as much of his anger as he can with it.

“That’s alright,” Hinata says, “I’m kind of an expert in understanding Kageyama-isms at this point,” Kageyama flushes a bit, right on the bridge of his nose, and Hinata wants to know what that flush feels like under his fingers.

“It’s… okay?” Kageyama’s speaking at the ground, eyebrows furrowed, and Hinata has to lean forward to hear his voice. “What you s-said. About that stuff you said you wanted. About… me,” Hinata straightens up, feeling his heart drop into his stomach and churn around, because Kageyama can’t mean what he thinks, there’s no way-

Kageyama looks up, pinning him in place with his glare like he’s challenging Hinata, and says, “I want them too. With you,” 

Hinata’s face heats up, and he watches Kageyama’s do the same. Neither seems to know what to say, so they stand for a moment, staring each other down. Kageyama’s words hang between them, and Hinata feels something shift and click into place. Excitement creeps though his limbs, and Hinata starts to feel like he could probably do anything with Kageyama here, standing in front of him, staring at him, pushing him on and lifting him up. Together, Hinata thinks. They could probably do anything together.

Kageyama goes to pop his cut back in his mouth, and Hinata reaches out to stop him, heart beating fast as he grabs Kageyama’s hand.

“I’ve got a band-aid for that,” he says, and pulls at Kageyama’s hand. Kageyama follows wordlessly as Hinata leads him inside and into his bathroom, shutting the door behind them. Moonlight streams in the single window as Hinata opens one of the drawers, getting out the band-aids and antiseptic ointment. He feels Kageyama’s eyes on his face as he dabs a bit of the ointment on the cut and wraps the band-aid around, smoothing it down against Kageyama’s finger.

They don’t move away, Hinata still holding Kageyama’s hand in his tiny bathroom, heartbeat loud in his ears. Kageyama slowly raises his free hand and threads it purposefully through Hinata’s hair, catching a lock between his fingers and staring at it with wide eyes, like he’s amazed he’s even allowed to touch it. Hinata’s breath get stuck in his lungs as Kageyama’s eyes meet his and widen, and then drop to his lips. 

Hinata wants and he wants and he _wants_ , and when Kageyama leans down to kiss him, he finally understands that Kageyama wants him too.

Hinata is greedy. He knows it’s childish. He knows it’s silly. He’s learning to live with it.

With Kageyama, though, he’ll have to remind himself that it might be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not quite sure what happened here. This idea sat its ass on my heart as I watched Haikyuu!! about a month ago and refused to leave until I finally hashed it out. 
> 
> You know that feeling when you've stared at something for so long that you can't tell if it's good or not anymore? I've got it in spades right now. So I hope you enjoyed this little nugget of angst! I'd really appreciate any comments you may have, because I honestly don't know how it turned out. Are they even in character? Who knows.
> 
> Thanks for reading! You're all rockstars.
> 
> Hit me up at my tumblr, [radio-silents](http://radio-silents.tumblr.com/). Come talk to me about fictional relationships and animated dweebs. I'm kind of enamored with Kagehina right now and would love to discuss it with you!
> 
> Also, Kageyama and his stupid milk boxes will be the end of me. I can feel it.


End file.
